2016-02-25 by Object of Contempt
I am overwhelmed, buried under a mountain of constant contempt. I think I coould breathe, I might even thrive if there were a person who valued me enough to simply validate me. The weight of being consistently invalidated throughout life is suffocating. And the worst of it comes from the ones who give what I call sweet contempt. Those people don’t just devalue, they also deceive. They make themselves look and feel magnanimous for spending money/time/whatever, but expect loyalty, admiration, or submission in exchange. Eventually it becomes clear that I was just a “project”, or a “pet”.
I thought I was strong enough to weather this. It has been so long, so persistent. I’m not that strong. Married for so long to a wife who treats me contemptuously, to the extent of character assassination, emotional withholding and emotional abandonment, I am crushed in spirit. I have lost self condidence and am in financial chaos. I suppose she either sees it as an opportunity to divorce me, or as a way to push me to divorce her. Either way she will receive the support of family, church, and friends. I will be vilified. I will lose the kids and every remaining shred of dignity.
I can’t imagine anyone as callous and cold as she is. She didn’t have to heal my emotional wounds from childhood. All I needed was the warmth of genuine love. It didn’t exist even one day in our marriage. It was all sweet contempt. Manipulation. Silence. Lies. Control. Since day one.
Because of my crushed spirit, things have slowly crumbled around me. For several years finances and employment have been a complete mess. Now, I have no vehicle for my family. My employer will probably fire me when they find out. I’m using the bus and working at night for low pay at a dead end job. It increases my commute from 1hr.20min. a day, to approximately 5 hours a day (conservative number). I can’t afford a new vehicle. Repairing the old one is not an option. There is no warmth. There are plenty who will gloat when my life implodes. A few may celebrate, but many will say I got what I deserved. I would like to see when they get what they deserve.
I used to be baffled by the imprecatory Psalms, when the Psalmist asked for vindication and vengeance. I didn’t understand why God granted vengeance to Samson. Now I do. God loves justice and equity. I do not understand exactly why He gives it sometimes, and not others. I do not think it is always wise to take vengeance into our own hands, but it is not automatically evil, either.
Those who believe God and the Bible, would you please pray for me?