2016-08-03 by Object of Contempt
From Greg Zaffuto’s book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist!
One of the MOST DIFFICULT concepts with this abuse is the realization that you didn’t matter in the least bit to your Narcissist! There is only one person that really matters to the Narcissist and that is himself or herself! You were only one of the many stepping stones in their life to extort supply and take whatever you had that they wanted or needed. …
Today’s post is a reblog. To read teh original, click the image above, or find the source link at the bottom of the post. I have not read this book yet, but the quote and post hit me right where I live. The post describes the intersection of several characteristics that are common in emotional abuse:
- Contempt — regarding another as less valuable (flip side of arrogance, where a person regards self as more valuable). This shows up as objectification/dehumanization. You don’t matter to them.
- Callousness — lacking in empathy. They have the ability to read all the cues in the person they are hurting (in contrast to people with Aspberger’s, who can’t/don’t catch those cues). They use that knowledge for manipulation, and to “inform” themselves so that their “act” looks more authentic. They see the cues, it’s just that they are cruel. Your pain doesn’t matter to them.
- Disingenuousness — not just dishonest, but lacking the character that would deter them from building a false persona in the first place. I suspect the dishonesty (deceitful words and acts) is pervasive, in large part, to hide the disingenuousness (falseness in character and persona). The truth doesn’t matter to them.
- Willfulness — the ever-present agenda driven by self. Having a strong will can be problematic for people, and isn’t always bad. In the case of an emotional abuser, however, the self is described most accurately by contempt, callousness, and disingenuousness. All the pain that has been inflicted on the victim will be justified completely in the abuser’s mind. Abuser’s can, like anyone else, do things by accident — but you’ll rarely hear them say they were wrong to do something. Their true accidents are usually not innocent. Valuing a loved one inspires the kind of carefulness that prevents many accidents in the first place. Furthermore, a person can give a monkey a gun and truly not “intend” for specific people to receive specific wounds… but let’s not be fools. That isn’t an accident at all. Even on the “grand scale” of their overall history with another person, they are exercising their will to one degree or another. They did not accidentally show all the signs of true love, and then accidentally withhold intimacy, affirmation, validation, etc. (beginning the day of the wedding in my case). Their self is what matters to them.
I am not a psychologist. I have decided to avoid labeling my wife as a narcissist or a sociopath. The abusive tactics and traits are the part that matters to me. Some descriptions I read in blogs focus on malignant narcissists and describe the worst possible scenarios. If you are in an abusive situation, please don’t get hung up on whether the person should be labelled one way or another. Narcissism and other personality disorders are on a spectrum. Your abuser may not fit the stereotype, or the common description. However, if you are being hurt, please don’t wait until it is impossible to protect or extract yourself. I can tell you from personal experience, it is an awful place to be.