Truth and Love — Scapegoats Crave Both (Nothing Mentally Ill About That)


2016-08-16 by Object of Contempt

The scapegoat of a narcissistic abuser commonly receives all the more abuse because this victim knows or tells the dangerous, toxic family truths (aka dirty laundry or secrets). Scapegoats don’t just care about the truth, we cling to it because anyone who could or would love or help us can only do it based on the truth. We tell the truth and explain the real circumstances hoping this person will see us accurately, without using us or despising us for our broken spirits.

N.B.:This article uses the term “scapegoat” in a specific way. To understand the term in the context of emotional/psychological abuse, please see these two links:
Out of the Fog — Favoritism Not Christian, but a knowledgeable and useful site.
Dove Christian Counseling — Are You the Family Scapegoat? (I don’t know this group, but this page gives an accurate description.)
Scapegoating is one way to abuse. You may also want to search the Internet for “golden child”.

Hopefully, a scapegoat may eventually discover that their appreciation of the truth is not the problem. (Sounds obvious, but the abused are fighting in the fog). The more astonishing fact, and the real problem is on the “flip side”. Abusers have no love of truth — it is a tool. When I was very young, I thought my mom cared about the truth. However, it turns out she just wanted me to be afraid to lie to her. The truth was an object, a tool. Then I got married to a wife who abuses very covertly, and things actually got worse. I suspect that the more covert the abuse, the more contempt the abuser has for truth.

If the abuser likes a certain truth because it is useful for making him/her feel good, or (more importantly) look good, the abuser will want to propagate it. Nevertheless, it is still a tool in the abuser’s hands. Truth has no intrinsic value or beauty to an abuser outside of such “usefulness”.

I so craved truth and validation that I frequently risk(ed) getting crushed further, just to explain the truth to the next person. I put the truth out there in hope that I might possibly find one person to help me stand and walk this difficult path. I have no reason to trust anyone, but desperately need a close relationship with a person of good-will. By definition, a person with good-will cares about the truth as a person cares about sunshine. They probably don’t obsess about it, but they recognize it’s huge importance. All over the world, sunshine makes things work and live, in the most practical of ways. In the same way that growing crops to eat is useless without sunshine, love doesn’t have any meaning without truth. It is cold and dark – like the love of an abuser.

I think this is also why covert abuse is so potent and spiritually destructive. The more covert the abuse is, the more the abuser is relying on lies and manipulation to achieve his/her goals. Valuing the truth would undercut their goals. So, not only does covert abuse become more spiritually dangerous, cruel, and destructive, but it explains why they won’t/don’t change. They’ve already refused to allow truth to enter their souls – (and therefore love).

A scapegoat is usually the family truth-teller, but there are others who care about the truth. The important truth to recognize is that the abuser is different. The abuser regards that truth, and all truth, with contempt.


One thought on “Truth and Love — Scapegoats Crave Both (Nothing Mentally Ill About That)

  1. It’s going on four o’clock on a Sunday morning and I woke up a couple of hours ago and can’t get back to sleep, because something unsettling and sad happened yesterday. The seemingly healthy associate pastor of our small church got out of bed Saturday morning, collapsed, and died. He was a neighbor of ours and exactly my age. He seemed to really love the Lord and he was the first to volunteer when someone in the community needed help with anything, including us. Yet he also seemed, at times, covertly judgmental and holier-than-thou, like maybe he thought he was more spiritual than my husband and me, because we both have PTSD and he doesn’t. Although, maybe we were reading him wrong?

    Whew…. suffice it to say that I am having all kinds of emotions at this moment.

    So, to distract myself, I have been reading through some of the various blogs I follow. I did a lot of reading on several different blogs and, although I “liked” several posts, I did not feel compelled to leave a comment, until I read this post of yours.

    You wrote: “When I was very young, I thought my mom cared about the truth. However, it turns out she just wanted me to be afraid to lie to her. The truth was an object, a tool.”

    Oh boy. YES. I can so relate to that one! Both of my parents spanked me until I felt like I was going to break in half, every time they suspected I might be lying. So I, too, thought that they cared about the truth. It has taken me most of my life to understand exactly this: they only wanted me to be afraid to lie to THEM. They used truth, and they used horrible, character assassinating, evil, projecting, scapegoating, gaslighting LIES, to create the “reality” that suited their agenda.

    I, too, grew up and married someone just like my parents. I’m not talking about my husband today, thank God, he is a kind hearted man who actually loves me and always wants the best for me. Wow. Twelve plus years we’ve been married and I am still amazed by this! Of course he isn’t perfect, who is? He is a Vietnam combat vet with PTSD, so he has as many issues as I do. But he has a good heart and he genuinely loves. Being married to someone like that is very healing.

    Satan is a liar and those who twist truth and tell lies to create the “reality” the want, are following in their father’s footsteps. Lies destroy lives.

    Liked by 1 person

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