2016-10-04 by Object of Contempt
I hate writing this kind of post. Sometimes I just need someone to listen, and that makes me feel like a selfish burden. But right now, I am at wit’s end.
I am being sued for back rent and being evicted. Family of seven, including the wife who covertly abuses me has lived in this home about 20 years. We lease the land it’s on, so the rent is low, and I can’t afford this. We homeschool our kids.
I’m feeling incredibly disabled and worthless with this (C)PTSD. I am working part-time, inconsistently, and not making nearly enough. Searching for work is incredibly painful. I have intense bouts with anxiety just trying to look at and edit my resume.
I’m not physically injured and it’s hard to say that I’m debilitated, but that’s what it feels and looks like. Of course that in itself is a reason for most everyone I know to look down on me.
Yesterday I had a talk with my wife. Tried to get her to admit to having hurt me, but she is so cold and stone-faced… it was just a waste of time. I can’t afford a divorce, and I don’t want to leave my kids. I have pretty much nothing.
She has assassinated my character and I am isolated. Pastors, elders, and counselors don’t see through her partial truths. We have been to at least four churches that made things immensely worse. Stereotypes and cultural values were all they really had, even when they referred to scripture.
I feel selfish to say that I need true, loyal love. Real compassion and empathy. Someone who doesn’t see my faults/failures as a reasonable excuse for contempt and vindictiveness. Someone who will watch my back when I’m standing for my boundaries that might not be popular.
I still love God and His Word. I still will not give up on His truth. He will be faithful. Oh God… please help. Please don’t wait. I’m breaking apart in my soul. I’m beside myself in every way. Please, please, help soon!