One of the Coldest Days of the Year — My Anniversary
92016-12-01 by Object of Contempt
I have been useless and in bed all day. It’s the the 27th anniversary of my wedding. We are still together. It is not happy. I can’t just leave my kids. I might be able to stand living penniless on the streets, but I can’t imagine ditching them. I think I may have to just bite the bullet and leave. Don’t know how or when. Where would I even go? I can’t just start building a new career in my early 50’s. I need my spirit to be repaired.
Winter holidays and an anniversary… so cold. Inside and out.
Roll Away My Shame 
Oh gosh! I’m hoping that isn’t true, not being able to build a new career in your early 50s. I’m 51 and need to do just that.
I’m sorry you are in an unhappy marriage. I hope you can repair your spirit.
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This breaks my heart.
My husband and I had a bad argument yesterday. Really bad. We haven’t had an argument this awful in years, not since he went into an eight week intensive in-house treatment program in a veterans hospital for PTSD.
I feel broken inside right now. He said he is sorry and I can tell he means it. But I feel like he ran over me with a bulldozer on purpose, and “sorry” doesn’t put the broken bones and smashed organs back together.
Not only does this really really hurt, it brought back a lot of old memories and reopened a lot of old wounds.
Misery really doesn’t love company, though, does it? You hurting certainly doesn’t help my hurt. And vice versa, I am sure.
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Ouch… I’m sorry you’re going through that mess. I know from your past descriptions of your husband that he is a good man who sincerely loves you. Sometimes people do something and only realize afterward how massive the effects were. Hyper-arousal really hurts both people. “Sorry” is all you get from an abuser, but it is a good place to start for the rest of us.
I don’t mean to give you unsolicited advice. I know this is rudimentary. I’m mostly just thinking “out loud”, and really really hoping for the best for both of you. I’ll be praying for both of you over this.
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Thank you very much for your caring and wise words. Rudimentary or not, my mind was in too much of a whirl to think straight. So I very much needed your excellent advice.
I feel encouraged, too, knowing that you are praying for us. Thank you so much!
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I’m so sorry OoC 😥 I’m so sorry nothing has gotten better and sorry I haven’t been around for months. I’m so sad that your wife isn’t trying at all to make things better and repair the marriage, and that it’s brought you to this place.
I do think it’s akin to emotional psychological abuse to treat a husband like this. I just don’t understand why women don’t often see that.
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Stephanie,
It’s very nice to hear from you again. No apology is necessary. 🙂
In this case I think it’s a very toxic family system driving this whole thing. There is too much that has happened for her not to see what she is doing to me. Besides, I have told her. She wants control. She has far too much support from family and church to bother changing anything.
It took me a very long time of floundering to discover that this isn’t an issue of a woman who doesn’t see what is going on, or a man who is a blind jerk. Making that jump to realizing that covert abuse is happening is a big deal. It’s hard. So part of the motivation for this blog that has developed along the way is to try and provide a resource to men so they can see that distinction more clearly. I am not very organized or consistent, but I hope it is helping others and not just a place where I emote.
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I am sorry to hear this. It seems like you have put up with a lot – too much? – over an extended period of time. I hope you do find the strength to either leave, or demand the changes you need to feel good about your life. If I don’t remember wrong, I think you are religious, so forgive me if I say this, but: What if this is it? What if this is the only life we get? That thought helped me in getting away from emotional abuse…. please, take care, it is well meant. 🌸
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For me to believe that there is no God is like believing that there is no air. I may not be able to see it, but I breathe it. I’m not guessing air exists, I’m experiencing it. Faith comes into the equation because I believe he keeps his promises.
For a long time I thought adultery was the only acceptable cause for divorce. That, like many things, is a cultural artifact. I have now read more of the relevant scriptures about it, and prayed and thought hard about who God is in the light of what I’m reading. The bottom line is that I believe God provided divorce as a matter of mercy to those who are married to an indecent, destructive person — particularly when there has been significant effort to reconcile and bring truth, but the efforts have been repeatedly and consistently resisted. This is my situation. The emotional starvation goes all the way to the degree of truth being distorted. There is a persistent malice hidden behind passive-aggressive tactics. I am basically discarded.
My situation isn’t cut and dried. There are problems with money, kids, emotional support, lack of confidence… I have a lot to push through. It’s going *very* slowly, but I want to get free.
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I understand it is very very hard, and I am glad you have faith and I hope that can help you through it all. Stay strong. 🌸
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