Crazy in Love : Part 1 — Emphasis on Crazy

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2017-02-07 by Object of Contempt

Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, covert abuse, intimacy anorexia… they overlap in multiple ways.  The tactics and the effects on the recipient can be very similar.  People who have never been through it may think terms like “abuse” and “victim” are overkill.  Those who have been through it, especially for a long time, know that it can be “crazy-making”.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, lawyer, pastor, counsellor, elder, psychologist, psychiatrist, or genius. I’m not even free of my abuser yet. I’m not always wrong, and I’m not always right. I’m just sharing my opinions. I sincerely hope they are helpful.

This is serious.  In this context, “crazy” does not mean what most people may think.  (Say… have you met my friend, Harvey?  He’s a 6-foot tall invisible talking rabbit!  Oh, here come some nice men in white coats!)  Instead, imagine being treated as if your memory, perception, ideas, even basic expectations about life (“my mom will always love me”, “my spouse would never betray me”) were out of touch with reality.  The impact to a person’s soul is significant, even debilitating over the long haul.

It is in this crushing crucible that I was forced to learn a lot about what society says love is, what christian churches say love is, what the Bible says love is, and also about what my assumptions about love were.  That may sound like I made it more complex than it had to be… well, I did.  My perceptions of love were distorted because I was relying on models that made love seem very scarce, and like something that had to be earned.  Again, this is a common story among victims/survivors.

This search for a definition of love is not just a philosophical quest.  Victims frequently find themselves trying to explain love to their abuser.  Victims, assuming that the problem is about misunderstanding, will often exhaust themselves trying to explain something as basic as love.  But communication isn’t the problem.  Abusers don’t care about their victims’ happiness or well-being.   They certainly do not have enough decency or sincerity to address a victim’s concerns in a straight-forward way. Instead the victim gets played and given the run-around… and that’s on a good day.

This carousel of misdirection, withholding love, shifting blame, and direct lies has a real impact on a victim’s spirit.  It doesn’t make them crazy, but it definitely makes a victim feel crazy.  It trashes confidence and creates turmoil in the core of the soul.  The only benefit is that it can eventually lead a victim to really investigate what love really is.  Victims actually want to know what love is so they can find it, and know that they are actually giving it.  This is the place where it has brought me.  The next post will emphasize the “love” part of Crazy in Love.

IMPORTANT FACT: People don’t usually feel the need to explain love to someone who already loves them, even when sins and mistakes come up in that relationship. This is why a continuing compelling desire to explain relationship basics is considered to be a sign of possible emotional abuse. If you have tried to explain what love is on multiple occasions to the same individual, you should consider the possibility that you are dealing with covert emotional abuse.
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5 thoughts on “Crazy in Love : Part 1 — Emphasis on Crazy

  1. Sherrie Heim says:

    My husband is a high functioning meth and porn addict. He lives a private life, and of course I have a problem with it. I am trying to wait for God to heal him and our marriage. He is always on guard, and defensive. I ask a normal question and he starts, blame shifting, lying, and telling me I’m crazy. It’s pointless to try and talk to him. I get angry, and he uses my anger and frustation, as a excuse for why he does dope and prefers porn to me.
    My point is, I am being abused several ways, and thanks to you, and other bloggers I feel better, not as confused about every thing. Lol now my husband tells me I’m abusing him. I pray some day we find peace.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Sherrie,
      I just now prayed for you to find that peace, and also truth, and love. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how bad it hurts… sometimes even physically, to feel unloved and undesired. I hope comfort, wisdom, and deliverance come your way soon.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Prairie Girl says:

    Wonderful words for the Important Fact. It is so true! As soon as we try to explain to a fellow full-grown adult what is the proper way to treat someone, then that should be a major red flag!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. […] I’ve had on my mind for quite a while. When I wrote my two “Crazy in Love” posts, Emphasis on Crazy and Emphasis on Love, I felt that I needed to address the basics of love and abuse. For a victim of […]

    Like

  4. I remember reading this before and I see that I already liked it, but today I want to comment and tell you how awesome this post is!

    You wrote: “Victims frequently find themselves trying to explain love to their abuser. Victims, assuming that the problem is about misunderstanding, will often exhaust themselves trying to explain something as basic as love. But communication isn’t the problem. Abusers don’t care about their victims’ happiness or well-being.” This is so devastatingly true.

    Liked by 1 person

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